afetrmath
by Orne
Summary: cole and phoebe deal with the fact that they killed their son


I don't own charmed, or any of the characters, i just own this piece of fan fic, and the others one that have been written under the name orne, don't sue me please, i'm running short on cash as it is, hope you enjoy reading it

I don't own charmed, or any of the characters, i just own this piece of fan fic, and the others one that have been written under the name orne, don't sue me please, i'm running short on cash as it is, hope you enjoy reading it. 

This is a continuation of my other 11 fan fics, it can stand alone but i don't recommend it, feel free to send suggestions and reviews. I know it took me a long time to upload this one, i was studying physics, which by the way i got an A, i don't wanna toot my own horn but toot, toot. Hehehe, anyway hope you enjoy it

Cole rolled over on his side, he faced phoebe who was lying uneasily in a fetal position, he stroked her hair and kissed it, he rolled over once more and sat up, he threw his legs over the side of the bed and stared at the door of his room, he looked directly at it and saw the room, it was painted baby blue, he heard noises coming from it, like a little voice calling him, he got up and walked towards it, when he entered the room he saw a little boy, he looked exactly like cole, he was about 4 years old, he had pale skin, deep blue eyes and jet black hair, he was wearing blue pajamas, he was holding a white blanket in one arm and a bear in the other, when cole entered and the child looked at him and smiled "i want pancakes" the boy said "ben, no more pancakes, you had enough" cole said, he squatted down to his height, and extended his arms, ben ran into them and hugged his father, he buried his little head in his fathers shoulders, cole beamed proudly, he put a hand on his hand and pulled away from his son, but it wasn't his son anymore, it was corpse, cole stood up abruptly "you killed me" the corpse said, cole ran out of the room, the boy's words echoed in his head, he woke up in a cold sweat, he looked around and didn't find phoebe, he got up and stared down the hall, the room, his son's room. He got up and walked out into the living room, he could smell breakfast in the kitchen, he walked in and found phoebe cooking, he stood in the door and looked at her, her eyes where red and bloodshot, she turned and gave him a weak feeble smile, he smiled back "whats for breakfast?" cole asked trying to cheer her and himself up "pancakes" phoebe said quietly. Cole stared at her, "something wrong?" she asked quietly "no, no, i just, i just, i dreamt with pancakes" he said, he looked at her and turned around, she knew exactly where he was going, the room, he spent a lot of time in that room, the room that would've been their son's, she looked at him sadly and turned around so that he wouldn't see the tears roll down her face. She felt miserable ever since the whole incident, not only because of the loss of he child, but because she was also losing cole, ever since the whole thing happened it seemed as a dark cloud had positioned itself over their relationship, there were no more passion filled nights, no more hungry kisses and embraces, just the memory of a their dead son, she felt him slipping away slowly, he would get up and go to the room, he would just sit there, stare at the walls and cry. She told him many nights that it wasn't his fault, he did what he had to do, she would've done the same thing, but he just didn't understand it, he blamed himself, and there was nothing that she could say or do to make his feelings change. She walked out of the kitchen leaving the pancakes untouched, she walked to the room and stood by the door "i'm going to my house" she said quietly, he looked up an nodded. She looked at him and left exasperated.

Prue and piper were eating quietly, it had been two days since they had found about their nephew, they were very sad as well but they weren't as affected as phoebe and cole, "i wonder what happened to david?" prue asked aloud "leo told me they revoked his whitelighter privileges, the elders went ballistic " piper explained, they heard the door an got up and ran to see phoebe, they knew it was her "phoebs" prue said, she looked at her sister and hugged her, phoebe accepted the hug and smiled "how are you?" piper asked, they knew their sister was a great amount of pain even if she didn't talk about it. "i suppose ok, i'm just, i have to take a shower" she said, she eluded talking about the whole situation, her sisters lamented it but they understood it. 

Phoebe let the water run for a long time, she knew her sisters wouldn't bug her about the hot water, because of her condition. She laughed, condition? Is that what she was in? She was in no condition, maybe a state of utter and total depression, but no condition. She heard a knock on the door "yeah?" she asked "me and prue are going out honey, call us if you need anything" piper said through the door "ok" she said, she waited until she heard the door close, she stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, it was blue, it was baby blue, that was it, she crumbled to the ground and wept into the towel, she cried for an hour straight. Thoughts circled her head. Her baby, her baby boy was gone, cole was gone, she had nothing. Cole was distancing himself from her more and more, he kept her at arms length, she cried into her towel. She had grown fond of the idea o having a baby with cole, she would picture cole an his son running around the house, taking him to school, even changing his diapers. She slowly got up from the floor and looked at herself in the mirror, she wiped her tears and took a deep breath, there was no use in crying, the baby was gone, but se couldn't let cole go, she just couldn't.

She left for cole's, she couldn't let him get away. She arrived to his house and let herself in, he was in the kitchen, surrounded by brown paper bags "cole, what the? What is all this?" she asked, she opened a bag and looked inside, diapers, he had bought diapers, she looked at him and yearned for an explanation "i bought diapers" he said "yeah, i see, but why? We don't have a…" she stopped herself before she said anything else "we don't need diapers" she said "i know, but i went out and i saw diapers, and i bought them" he explained "why are you doing this? Would you just, god, you're losing it cole" she screamed at him "snap out of it" she said "oh, well i'm sorry if my imperfection and my grief is bothering you, i suppose i'm the only one here that laments the loss of our child" he screamed "how dare you say that?" phoebe screamed "forget it, you know what, i'm leaving, i can't even look at you" she said, she grabbed her keys and left rapidly.

Cole sat reclined on the wall of the room, he looked around it, it would have made great room for a baby, it was well lit and spacious, it had a lot of room to play, when he first accepted the fact that he was going to be a father he pictured himself playing with his son, playing ball, running around the house, just playing, but it was all gone, he made it all go away, he ended it. A tear rolled down her face and wiped it away quickly, he closed his eyes and felt a great need to talk to phoebe, well not talk but to hold her, he needed her but she wasn't there, not because she didn't want to be but because he had pushed her away, he knew she longed for him as much as he did her but he had to keep her at arms distance, he couldn't get close, he'd destroy her. He closed his eyes again and fell into a drowse, he wasn't quite awake but he wasn't asleep either. He got up and looked around, he felt very strange, he didn't know if it was a dream or if it was real, he walked around the room and out of nowhere a little boy appeared, the same boy form his dream, he came to cole and called him with his finger "i need your help" he said, cole looked at him and nodded "save me" the boy said "who are you?" cole asked "dad, it's me, ben. Save me" the boy said, "ben?" cole asked, he was confused, ben reached for cole's arm "black walls" he said, "black walls?" cole asked "black walls, broken glass, thats were you'll find me" ben said, he talked very clearly for a 4 year-old "broken glass? What do you want me to do?" cole asked "save me dad" ben said "dad? I don't have a son!!" he screamed at the boy, he was making no sense at all and frankly cole was very frustrated "you don't have me, you killed me!!!" ben screamed, cole opened his eyes, he was sitting down, he got up and looked around "black walls?" he asked "black walls!!!" he screamed, he ran to his room, put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and ran out the door.

Phoebe arrived at her house again, her sisters were sitting on the couch, she walked into the room and sat down between her sisters, they looked at her bewildered, "he bought diapers" she said, tears started to fall freely down her face, "oh, honey, don't cry, phoebs" piper comforted her, she hugger her, phoebe put her head on prue's lap, "he's crazy, i don't know what he's thinking, it's like he's losing it, he goes into the room, and just sits there, i can't deal with him, he's just so insane, he doesn't talk to me anymore" phoebe said, she was scared and sad, her face was beat red and her eyes were spaced out "he'll come around phoebe, he will" prue said "he just needs time" piper completed "what if he doesn't, what if he just stays like this, i'm so scared, he's just so crazy" phoebe said between sobs "he won't stay like this, cole, cole is strong" prue said, "you'll make it past this, you two are too much in love to lose each other" piper said "you just have to go and solve things, talk to him, even if he does seem crazy, try to talk things out with him" piper continued, phoebe raise her head and sat up straight, she looked at her sisters and smiled, they were right, she just had to talk to him, even if he did seemed crazy, she could talk some sense into him. "you guys are the best" she said, Wiping the tears from her face, she got up and her sisters nodded and smiled, she turned on her heel and walked out of the house.

Cole had lugged each and every tub of black paint he had bought, five in all, he also bought paint brushes, which he already had but decided to buy more, a roll and a tray. He had positioned each one in an orderly line in the room, he had laid papers on the floor so that he didn't ruin the floor. He poured a bit of paint into the tray and began to paint, he painted the first wall in record time and proceeded to paint the second one. His arms were tired and he had paint all over his clothes and face, he brushed a couple of streaks on the second wall and heard the door slam shut, phoebe, she was home, he had to find a way to hide it, she would go mad when she saw this, he quickly put the gallon of paint that he opened into the closet, he turned and saw that there were still four, "cole?" phoebe's voice came, he looked around exasperated, what would he tell her? He quickly looked around and than looked at himself, his shirt was filled with black paint, he took it off quickly "cole? Are you here?" she said "um, yeah, in here" he said timidly but loud enough for her to hear, she came trodding into the room and looked at cole, "why aren't you wearing…. Oh god" she hadn't actually seen the paint, she looked around and than turned to cole "um, would you like to explain?" phoebe asked confused, "um well, i was sleeping, or at least i thought i was sleeping, i… phoebe he was here, ben, he came to me and touched me, black walls" he said, phoebe looked even more confused than before, "black walls? Ben? Who's ben?" phoebe asked, she looked around, "ben. Our son, he was here an he was he was so beautiful, he had blue eyes and teddy bear" cole explained, he sounded crazy and nevertheless squitzo, "ok, i have no idea what your talking about" she said confused, her mouth seemed to be absolutely parched, she turned around and walked out of the room. Cole tagged closely behind her, he seemed extremely anxious "phoebe, it's not nonsense he said black walls and i made black walls" he said "cole you have got to get over this, he's gone, and as much as it hurts black walls won't change it" she said grabbing a glass of water and walking towards the room again, cole followed closely "he told me black walls and broken glass, broken glass!!!" he screamed, he looked a down at the glass in phoebe's hand and took away from her quickly, phoebe was startled and flinched at the swift movement, she looked at him bewildered "cole?!" she said, she reached for the glass put he threw it down on the floor, it shattered, the water in it splashed everywhere, the noise broke the silence between them but created a tensional atmosphere, phoebe just stared at him, it was the first time he acted like this, the noise seemed to have brought him out of his mad season, he looked at phoebe and than at the room, he looked around and he suddenly didn't remember why he had done all of this "phoebe, i, i don't know what i was thinking" he said quietly "the hell you didn't" she said "i'm leaving, when you come to your senses call me" she said angrily, she turned around and cole felt his world fall, he needed her, he couldn't let her go "no!" he screamed, phoebe reacted to this and turned around "please, no, i, just, i don't want to be alone" he said, phoebe stared at him "i know you don't want to look at me, or spend the night, but, i'll sleep on the couch, please phoebe, i don't want to be alone" he said, his eyes filled with tears, phoebe's heart started to break but she held in her tears and urges to run to him, she turned around and walked into his room, and slammed the door.

Cole looked at the door of his room as he was lying on the couch, he just stared at it, he couldn't believe she was so mad at him, but she had all the right to, he was acting a little crazy, it was the first time they had acted like this towards each other, they fought many times and on the verge of breaking up but they usually were making up in bed an hour later, well it had been almost three hours and they still weren't making up. He was going to be the bigger person and he was going to enter the room and sweep her off her feet, but he couldn't, he was to much of a chicken. He kicked the blankets off of him and stood up, even if it was cold and he was only wearing boxers he couldn't feel a thing, he walked to the door of his room and held up his hand to knock, but stopped himself, he turned around and saw the room, he saw the black wall and the broken glass on the floor, he crept into it and began to pick up the pieces of glass from the floor, he sat down on the floor and looked around, the blue room was now a big mess, this was no longer is son's room, it was something else, his mind started to wander, his head spun and he found himself in the same type of hazy dream he had had earlier, this time the room was no longer black it was back to it's old baby blue, he saw the little boy come out of nowhere "dad?" he said timidly "who are you? It didn't work, i have black walls, look" he pointed to the ground "broken glass" he said "you're here aren't you?" the little boy said, he certainly was a wise mouth for a kid "what was this about saving you? Are you really my son? Please, explain whats happening" cole pleaded "well dad, see your mourning has prevented me from crossing over, i needed you to see that i'm ok, you did what you had to do, no hard feelings, i promise" he said wisely, cole was surprised on how he talked so clearly, he seemed so very young but he spoke like a grown up "i, your mom, she's just, she got mad about the walls" cole said, he laughed at the way he referred to phoebe, your mom, it just made him laugh "yeah, i know, that was the whole idea of it" ben said "it was for you to realize that you have to move on, there will be other children, but don't let her go dad, don't pull away from her, she's aching as much as you" he said wisely, cole turned and could see the door of his room closed "go, knock, leave me, walk on" ben said "but your my son" he said "i'm also mom's, the only thing that has been keeping me here is you, i can't go to a better place unless you accept the fact that i'm gone, but i will be with you in spirit" he said, cole kneeled down, he felt like the whole situation was turned over, he was the little defenseless boy and ben was the dad, ben looked at him and hugged him, cole held him so tightly, he was so small and fragile and so beautiful "ok, dad, i have to go" he said, he walked away from cole and looked up, he waved one last time and smiled at his father, cole opened his eyes and he was in the half black room, he looked around and saw something that caught his eye in the exact place were the broken glass had been, the teddy bear, ben's teddy bear, he picked it up and held it close to him, he got up and ran to the door of his room and knocked hardly.

Phoebe was sitting up in bed reading when she heard the knock, she had been waiting for the knock all night, she got up and ran to the door, she opened it and smiled, "i'm sorry" he said desperately "no, no, i'm sorry" she said hugging him, he hugged her back and kissed her hungrily, she kissed him back, "whats that?" she asked breaking form their kiss, looking down at the teddy bear in his hand "just a gift from a special person" he said smiling "oh, really? And who is this special friend?" she asked inquisitively, he decide not to tell her, he'd just make it worse "it doesn't matter, all that matter is that i want to make love to you" he said kissing her, she smiled and the house was again filled with passion and love, the cloud was gone.


End file.
